Nothing but classic rock...
coming at you this beautiful evening.
You're listening to KFTO--
God, that asshole's voice is so hateful.
No wonder I never listen to the radio.
Relax, Seymour. Relax.
He's just so shrill and loud and piercing.
I feel like I'm being jabbed in the face.
"KTO coming at you on this beautiful evening."
- So... - Thank you.
Why'd you bring the record?
I brought it so he can autograph it.
He's going to be amazed to see it.
It's one of only two known copies.
I can't believe they have him as the opening act...
and not the headliner.
It's-- What an insult.
There's gonna be lots of girls to pick from at this bar.
I'm not holding my breath in that department.
What, are we in slow motion here?
What are you, hypnotized?
Have some more kids, why don't you?
Jesus Christ, move it!
Seymour! God.
I can't believe these people.
They could at least turn off their stupid sports game...
until he's done playing.
Thank you.
Don't go away.
We got Blues Hammer coming up in just a minute.
Hey, check that out.
She's nice, but, you know...
Offer her a seat.
- I'll do it. - No, no, no, no.
Wait. Let me think of something to say to her first.
That was great music, huh?
Yeah, I just love blues.
Actually, technically, what he was mostly playing...
would more accurately be classified in the ragtime idiom.
Although, of course, not in the strictest sense...
of the classical ragtime piano music...
like that of Scott Joplin or Joseph Lamb.
Authentic blues has a more conventional...
twelve-bar structure in its stanzas.
Oh. If you like authentic blues...
you really gotta check out Blues Hammer.
They're so great.
All right, people, are you ready to boogie?
'Cause we gonna play some authentic...
way-down-in-the-delta blues.
So get ready to rock your world!
Well, I been plowin' behind the mule, son
Picking cotton all day long
Yes, I been plowin'
Picking cotton all day long
I said, Lordy, baby
But my woman she be gone
Now I remember why I haven't been anywhere in months.
It's simple for everybody else.
You give them a Big Mac and a pair of Nikes...
and they're happy.
I can't relate to ninety-nine percent of humanity.
I can't relate to humanity, either...
but I don't think it's completely hopeless.
Well, it's not completely hopeless for you.
I'm not even in the same universe...
as those creatures back there.
We just need to find you a place...
where you can meet someone...
who isn't a complete idiot, that's all.
Why do you care so much if I get a date or not?
I don't know.
I guess I just can't stand the idea of a world...
where a guy like you can't get a date.
What is this, Seymour?
Oh, that.
I borrowed that from work about fifteen years ago.
I guess it's mine now.
What are you, a Klansman or something?
Yeah, I'm a Klansman.
You know the Cook's Chicken franchise?
"Four-piece Cook's special...
"deep-fried with side and slaw. It's outrageous!"
Yeah, well, Cook's is just a made up name.
Back in 1922...
they were originally called Coon Chicken Inn.
That's an early painting of their first logo.
How come everybody doesn't know this?
It's ancient history.
Same reason nobody knows about this Lionel Belasco record.
I was more interested in the whole Cook's phenomenon...
when I was about your age.
Sort of lost interest when I started working for them.
You work for Cook's Chicken?
For nineteen years.
Were you a fry cook or something?
Nothing so glamorous, actually.
I'm an assistant manager at their corporate headquarters.
Jesus. I'd go nuts if I had to work in an office all day.
So I don't really get it.
Are you saying that things were better back then...
even though there was stuff like this?
I suppose things are better now, but...
I don't know, it's complicated.
People still hate each other...
but they just know how to hide it better.
Can I borrow this?
For what?
I promise I'll take good care of it.
They're very sensitive about that kind of stuff at work.
Don't you trust me, Seymour?
Let's address discussion to this piece.
I don't like it.
Can you tell us why?
I don't know.
I think it's totally weird.
It's totally offensive.
Yeah. I agree.
It's not right.
Well, these are all valid comments, but...
I think we should see if the artist...
has anything to bring to this.
Well, I found this when I was doing some research...
and I discovered that Cook's Chicken...
used to be called Coon Chicken.
So I decided to do my project based on this discovery...
as kind of a comment on racism...
and how it's whitewashed over in our culture.
Did you actually do this painting?
Well, no, it's more of a found art object.
How do you think this addresses the subject of racism?
It's complicated.
I guess I'm trying to show...
how racism used to be more out in the open...
and now it's hidden or something.
And how do you think an image like this...
helps us to see that?
I'm not sure.
I guess because when we see something like this...
it seems really shocking.
And we have to wonder why it's so shocking.
I don't really know what to say, Enid.
I think it's a remarkable achievement.
I'm going to let you handle the 4:30 crowd by yourself.
That way, I can evaluate your performance while it's slow.
Then we'll ease you into the big crowds, all right?
- You can count on me, sir. - Cool.
Do you serve beer or any alcohol?
I wish.
Actually, you wish.
After about five minutes of this movie...
you're going to wish you had ten beers.
What are you doing? You don't ever criticize the feature.
Why? What's the difference?
I mean, we already got his money.
Look, that's the policy, OK?
If you want to make up your own rules...
open up your own theater.
And let me have lots of butter on it.
Here you go.
Smothered in delicious yellow chemical sludge.
What the hell is wrong with you?
What?
I was just joking around with the customers.
- It's my shtick. - Well, lose it.
And why aren't you pushing the larger sizes?
Didn't you get training about up-sizing?
Yeah, but I feel really weird.
It's pretty sleazy.
It's not optional!
Jesus.
Hi. Can I get a medium 7 Up?
Medium?
Why, sir, do you not know that for a mere 25 cents more...
you could purchase a large beverage?
And you know, I'm only telling you this...
because we're such good friends.
Medium is really only for suckers...
who don't know the concept of value.
What are you talking about?
What kind of loser gets fired after one day?
Look, I told you. The manager was a total asshole.
I'll get another job.
Besides, I have some ideas to make money in the meantime.
I can't believe you're selling some of this stuff.
Fuck it. Everything must go.
I remember this hat.
This was during your little old lady phase.
How much is this?
That's not for sale.
Wait a minute. It says five dollars.
I know, it's...
That's a mistake.
I'm not selling it.
What was that all about?
I thought "everything must go".
Yeah, right.
Like I'd let some asshole with a soul patch own Goofy Gus.
How much for this dress?
God, I can't believe you're selling that.
That's five hundred dollars.
- What? - Five hundred.
You're crazy. It should be, like, two dollars.
I was wearing that when I lost my virginity.
Why do I care about that?
Why do you want it?
It would look stupid on you anyway.
God! Fuck you!
So, now are you going to get a regular job?
Do you want to do something tonight?
I can't. It's Seymour's birthday tonight.
Oh, shit. What time is it?
I'm supposed to go to the store. I was going to make him a cake.
Do you still want to go shopping tomorrow?
Yeah, I guess. Call me.
Since when can you make a cake?
OK, you can open your eyes now.
Oh, hey. Thanks, Enid. I really appreciate it.
No, blow it out, doofus.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
Oh, it's just my stupid back. I'll be all right in a minute.
What is that?
It's...
It's just this elastic thing I have to wear sometimes...
for lumbar support.
What, like a girdle?
Maybe now you can understand why I can't get a date.
Well, at least you're not the only one.
I think only stupid people have good relationships.
That's the spirit.
Actually, there is this one guy I have a crush on right now...
but... totally fucked-up situation.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. You met him, remember? That guy Josh.
But I can't do anything about it...
because Becky would totally freak out.
Why?
Just forget it. It's complicated.
Aren't you going to get that?
Let the machine get it.
I have no desire to talk to anyone who might be calling me.
I knew it. It's my mother.
Hi, I'm calling for...
You placed an ad in "The Weekly" over a month ago, and...
well, I'm the blonde in the yellow dress.
At least, I think I am.
I saw the ad when you first placed it...
but I was in this relationship at the time...
so I cut the ad out, and...
and I'm not in a relationship anymore.
God, this is really confusing.
Don't!
Anyway, if you still want to talk to me...
I can be reached at 555-2673.
That's my work number...
and my name is Dana.
OK! Bye.
Wow.
What was all that about?
It's just somebody's idea of a joke.
That didn't sound like a joke to me.
What, did you place an ad in the personals or something?
Yeah, a long time ago.
She called before. It's just somebody trying to humiliate me.
I think you should call her back.
Oh, look. We have to get these.
You know, I can't afford stuff like this right now.
Look, I'm sick of waiting.
I mean, we have to get stuff if we're ever going to move.
Aren't these the greatest?
What? They're nice.
I can't imagine spending money on plastic cups.
You don't have to. I'll pay for everything now...
and you can pay me back when you finally get a job.
You're insane.
So, are we still going to that thing tonight?
What thing?
You know, that guy's band is playing tonight.
Alien Autopsy.
Actually, Seymour's big date is tonight.
And I kind of want to be around when he calls...
you know, so I can hear how badly it went.
God, I'm so sick of Seymour.
That was great.
Jeez, thanks a lot for cooking.
I love to cook.
Most women wouldn't invite a guy over on the first date, but...
I think you should trust your instincts.
When I talked to you on the phone...
you just seemed so... I don't know, so harmless.
Thanks.
I love this song.
Isn't it great?
Doesn't it make you want to dance?
- Come on. - No, I don't really dance.
Come on, Seymour. Don't be silly.
Anybody can dance.
Here, follow me. Watch my feet.
No, really.
Come on, Seymour.
Just feel the music.
Loosen up. It's all in your head.
Here, let's put down your bowl of ice cream.
Wow, it's 9:00 already.
If we're gonna make that movie, don't you think we should go?
OK. Party pooper.
I'm so excited to see this film.
Dustoff Varnya is such a brilliant director.
Did you see his last film...
"The Flower That Drank The Moon"?
It was glorious.
Must have missed that one.
Then again, what do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy movies.
Really? I never really cared for those.
Why does the fat one always have to be so mean to the skinny one?
- Hello? - Hey. It's me.
- Oh, hi. - So, what happened?
Actually, it's still kind of happening.
She's over here right now. I think it's going pretty well.
- What? You're joking. - Yeah, so I better go.
It's not really the best time to talk, OK?
What, are you going to have sex with her on your first date?
Jesus! I'll talk to you later, OK? Bye.
That was my mother.
Do you still want to do something tonight?
What happened to Seymour?
I can't believe this. He actually scored.
God, how repulsive.
So, should I come over?
Actually, I was just about to go out with some friends.
What are you talking about? Who?
Just some people from work.
I don't believe you.
You said you were busy, so...
Look, I better get going.
I guess I'll call you tomorrow.
Boo!
Please.
Boy.
So, where have you been?
I've been looking all over for you.
I've been wandering the streets day and night...
trying to find you.
Really?
No. Joe told me where you are.
But how come you never call me anymore?
I'm sorry. I've just been really busy.
So, how are things going with...
What's her name? Dana?
Pretty well. Surprisingly, you know.
It's good.
What do you do together? Is she into your old records and stuff?
Yeah, sort of. I mean, she doesn't dislike that stuff.
Anyway, she's trying.
Actually, we're supposed to go antique shopping...
for her apartment this afternoon.
Sounds good.
So, we should get together.
I'll definitely give you a call this week or something.
Are you trying to get rid of me?
No, no, no. It's just that I...
I should be going in a few minutes, and...
Aren't you even going to ask how I'm doing?
Sorry.
So, how are you?
I don't know. Good, I guess.
Oh, hello. Guess I'm a little early.
- This is Enid. - Hello.
It's great to finally meet you.
So, how do you two know each other?
I'm kind of surprised he hasn't mentioned me.
- We're old friends. - Really?
Yeah. Very close.
In fact, I was standing right next to him...
the first day you called.
You know, if it wasn't for me...
he would have never called you back.
- Is that right? - I would have--
Well, I've really got to get going...
but I'll stop by and see you sometime, Seymour.
It really was great to meet you.
Now remember, the art show is this Saturday...
7:30 p.m., sharp.
Oh, and Justin.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna really miss all of you people.
I hope that each of you feels as if you'll be...
taking away something from this experience.
Thanks. So long, everyone.
Enid, can I speak to you for a moment?
- Uh-oh. - Don't worry, it's nothing bad.
I got a call from a close friend of mine...
at the Academy of Art and Design...
and she tells me I'm allowed to place one student...
from your graduating class for a full one-year scholarship...
and I took the liberty of submitting your name.
As far as I know it includes housing...
and meals and everything. It's really quite an offer.
Let me know as soon as you can, Enid.
This could be a really great thing for you.
Pumpkin? Honey?
I'm coming in.
Well, I have some good news.
What is it now?
Are you still looking for a job?
I guess.
Maxine thinks she can get you a job at Computer Station.
Normally, you have to have a lot of references....
and at least two years of experience...
but she thinks she can convince them.
Tell her to forget it. I don't need her help.
OK, that's...
You know, if that's...
If-- Mm-hmm.
Awful! Just awful!
I will take care of it, I promise you.
I will handle it. Thank you.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, I need to speak with her for a second.
- Well, enjoy the show. - Thank you.
Yes, what is it, Phyllis?
I am sorry...
but you are simply going to have to remove that painting.
Several of the parents have complained about it already.
Well, I will do no such thing.
Then I'm going to go over there and take it down myself.
I think we should give the artist a chance...
to talk with the parents about her intentions with this piece.
We should be promoting discussion as a solution...
instead of censorship.
- Censorship? - Yes.
Oh, that is such a big word for you, Roberta.
Excuse me.
- Do not touch that-- - OK, I have a solution.
Thank you, everyone, for your patience.
Margaret, have you seen Enid?
- I don't think she's even here. - You're kidding.
- All right. There we go. - Thank you very much.
So-- Excuse me.
So there's this stupid art show I'm going to tonight...
and I want you to be my date.
There's something I want to show you.
Yeah, I... I don't think I should.
Of course you should.
I'm already a million hours late. Come on.
I better not.
OK, well, forget the art show. Let's do something else, then.
I really wish I could, Enid, but...
Dana just got out of a really bad relationship...
and I don't want her to have the wrong idea, you know?
Hey, what's happening?
Where'd you get those pants?
They were a present from Dana.
You like them? They a good fit?
Yeah, whatever. I mean, what do I know about clothes?
It's nice to have somebody do all the work for me.
I'll just be in my room.
What's her deal, anyway?
Did she actually tell you that you can't see me anymore?
No. No, I mean...
Not exactly. She just...
She just doesn't understand how I would know someone like you.
What does that mean, "someone like me"?
Just someone so young.
Don't worry. I won't bother you anymore.
Do you remember me?
Sure. Sure.
You're, like, the only person in this world I can count on...
because, no matter what, I know you'll always be here.
Well, that's what you think.
I'm leaving town.
Where are we? This is such a weird neighborhood.
This is a totally normal, average neighborhood.
3128.
- That must be it. - Great.
What? What's wrong with it? It looks totally normal.
What? I said great.
Yeah, I can tell you really love it.
What am I supposed to say?
"Gee, I can't wait to live in some depressing shit-hole...
"out in the middle of nowhere"?
You know, you hate every single place that we look at.
Why don't you just tell me you don't want to live with me?
Because you'll totally freak out and act like a psycho about it.
What?
You're the psycho.
You've totally ignored me ever since high school ended.
You're still living out some stupid seventh-grade fantasy!
"Your own apartment."
Fuck you.
Have fun living with your dad for the rest of your life.
God. Fuck you, too.
Pumpkin?
Honey?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Because, honey, if something's wrong...
I'd love it if we could talk about it.
It's nothing. It's just some hormonal thing.
Don't worry about it.
OK, because I have some very, very important news...
to talk about...
and if you're not feeling well, we can do this some other time.
What?
Well, Maxine and I have been seeing a lot of each other.
And we were thinking it might be really best...
for all of us if at the end of the summer...
she came here to live with us.
We could really just see how we got along together...
and see if this is--
Is this your first death mask?
All artists have to suffer.
Just a minute.
I brought the application for the art academy.
I just hope it's not too late.
I am so sorry about what happened, Enid.
What do you mean?
Well, the whole business with the art show...
and the newspaper-- it's just absolutely...
They're forcing me to give you...
a non-passing grade in the class.
Can't I still get a scholarship to the art academy?
- Well, I'm sorry, Enid-- - Can you help me out here?
- I can't breath under this mask. - Excuse me.
That's fine. Just breathe. Don't worry about it.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I needed to see you.
What's up?
Can you at least let me in?
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
Look, I just need someone to be nice to me for five minutes...
and then I swear I'll leave you alone, OK?
What's the matter?
Do you have anything to drink?
There might be some root beer.
- What's this? - That's Dana's.
We're supposed to be saving it for our two-month anniversary.
You better not--
I mean, you like me, right, Seymour?
We're good friends, right?
Yeah, sure. Of course.
What is this?
Dana got it when we went shopping for antiques.
She said it didn't go with her stuff...
so she gave it to me.
Said it would go better with my old-time thingamajigs.
Jesus, how can you stand her?
How come all that time I was trying to get you a date...
you never asked me out?
You're a beautiful young girl.
I couldn't imagine you'd have any interest in me...
except as an amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity.
At least you're not like every other stupid guy in the world.
All they care about is guitars or sports.
I hate sports.
Maybe I should just move in with you.
I could do the cooking and dust your old records...
until I get a job.
You know what my number one fantasy used to be?
What?
I used to think about one day...
just not telling anyone and going off to some random place.
And I'd just disappear...
and they'd never see me again.
Do you ever think about stuff like that?
I guess I probably did when I was your age.
You know what we should do?
We should just get in your car right now and just drive off.
Just find some totally new place...
and start a whole new life.
Fuck everybody.
I'm not in any good condition to drive.
I'm serious.
I'm just so sick of everybody.
Why can't I just do what I want?
What do you want?
Don't you like me?
Boy, I never expected anything like this to happen.
Yeah, well, me, neither.
You must know I always...
Did you mean all that stuff about moving in with me?
I was just thinking out loud.
I mean, you've got this thing with Dana, and...
I'm not gonna let you fuck that up.
Yeah, but I don't know, I just...
I really need to get some sleep.
Good night.
Right. One second.
- Sorry. Go ahead. - We're almost done.
Hi. Yeah. No, it's excluded.
They've already paid the earnest money.
Well, let's see if they bring it up...
if they notice it on the final walkthrough.
Right.
Great. Sounds good.
- Yes! - We did it!
- Great job. - Thank you.
I'm proud of you. I'll catch you guys later.
I'm going to start the paperwork.
- Congratulations. - Thank you. Have a seat.
So, what brings you down here?
I just really feel like I need to say something to you.
I've never said this to anyone before.
Believe me, I've...
I've stayed in horrible relationships for years...
just so I wouldn't have to do this.
What are you trying to say?
Maybe it's not such a good idea that we keep going out.
It's Enid. Leave a message.
Seymour, here.
I really want to talk to you.
I've been thinking about what you said...
about moving in here, and...
Yeah, so just...
give me a call when you get a chance.
OK. Thanks. Bye.
Look, I'm really sorry about the other day.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I really do want to move in with you.
Look, I don't know.
I was thinking maybe I should just live alone, you know?
I've decided to rent that place that we looked at...
and I start moving in next week.
Please let me come with you. Please.
Look, I don't know. I don't think it's such a good idea.
Of course it's a good idea. It's our plan.
Yeah, but how are you going to pay rent and everything?
You don't even have a job.
I'll get a job tomorrow. I promise.
Maxine said she could get me a job at Computer Station.
Please, Becca.
Tonight, I have a very special partner--
one who is a performance artist...
in sign language for the deaf.
Please welcome to the stage...
Well, here's where the fun never stops.
She could at least have the decency to call me back.
Wasted time, trying to logically figure out the female brain.
That's for sure.
Maybe she got another boyfriend.
Yeah, well, thanks for cheering me up.
Oh, God.
It's Enid. Leave a message.
Oh, come on.
Hey, look at it this way...
at least things can't get any worse.
Seymour! Just the man I want to see.
Step in here for a minute.
Have a seat.
What can you tell me about this, Seymour?
So, what do you think?
It's fine.
- Where's all your stuff? - There.
That's all you're bringing?
No. I'm gonna pack up the rest tonight.
I'll bring it over sometime tomorrow.
What time?
I don't know. Noon?
All right, cool. Just make sure you're here by then...
because we got a lot of stuff to do.
Oh, wait.
I got to show you this. It's really cool.
Isn't it great?
A smile is something special
A ribbon is something rare
So I'll be special, and I'll be rare
With a smile and a ribbon in my hair
To be a girl they notice
Takes more than a fancy dress
So I'll be special, and I'll be rare
I'll be something beyond compare
I'll be noticed because I'll wear
A smile and a ribbon in my hair
What's wrong with you, retard? It's 3:30.
Oh, hi. Enid's stepmother told me that she'd be here.
She's not at home?
No, they told me that she'd be here.
Well, where the fuck is she?
She was supposed to be here three hours ago.
Do you mind if I wait? I really need to talk to her.
Are you sure she wasn't there?
I mean, maybe she was just hiding from you or something.
Why would she be hiding from me?
I don't know.
Where is she, then?
Maybe she's with Josh?
Josh? Why would she be with Josh?
I really don't know enough about it to...
But why did you say that she was hiding from me?
Did she say anything to you about me?
Yeah. She thinks you're a dork.
She said that?
What do you expect? I mean, considering how we met you...
What do you mean?
She didn't tell you about that?
What are you talking about?
On that pathetic fake blind date?
What fake blind date? What are you talking about?
Here.
Look.
Did you have a good laugh at my expense?
What do you mean?
Do you think that's funny?
Here, is that funny?
I'll show you something funny.
- Hey. Damn it. Come on. - Get--
Not so cool now, are you, good-looking boy?
- What's going on? - Call the cops, man.
- Citizen's arrest. - You!
Call the cops!
Get the hell out of my store!
All right. Hey, no need to get violent.
I'm outta here.
Are you OK?
You seem a little stoned. What are you on?
High on life.
Look, Seymour, I came by to tell you...
how really, really sorry I am about everything.
I know you probably totally hate me.
You don't have to say--
Please. Don't say anything.
I know I'm a total disappointment to everyone.
I just quit my job this morning...
and then I had a fight with Becky...
because I told her I wasn't going to move in with her...
and she really just wants to kill me.
And there is just no way to explain how I feel.
I don't...
I guess I'll just have to figure myself out.
Enid, I'm not mad at you.
I know I'm just a dork.
Seymour, you are not a dork.
Sure I am.
You are such a stupid idiot.
Did you even look through the rest of the book?
See?
You're like...my hero.
Thanks for waiting.
Is he going to be OK?
I think he'll be fine.
What are you going to do now?
I'm not sure.
I'd better get going. I'm going to be late for work.
Call me, OK?
I have to admit things are starting to look up for me...
since my life turned to shit.
Remember what I said when we first started?
This little break-up might be...
the very best thing that ever happened to you.
I think I'm ready to get back to my old life.
You think that's too soon?
Why don't we start with that next week?
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
You're doing all the work.
- Is he done? - Yes.
Seymour, did you have a chance...
to think about what you might want for dinner...
while you were in here?
No, I haven't.
Maybe we could discuss it in the car.
Did you want mashed potatoes?
See you next week.
Not so funny now, tough guy, are you, huh?
Motherfuckers!